Over the weekend, I traveled out of town to visit my parents. My mom did some of her Christmas shopping and wanted to show me what she had gotten. She hand-picked items for each of her seven living grandchildren: warm beanies and silly toys for the boys, and some fluffy socks for the girls. And… Continue reading A Life of Nevers
The day that I held Lincoln in my arms, I slowly and painfully, got up and went into the hospital bathroom to clean up a little bit. I had been on IV fluids for roughly 32 hours and, between labor and the trauma of losing my son, I had not slept soundly in over 55 hours. I… Continue reading Just Have a Day
From the moment that I announced my pregnancy, everyone had an opinion. Boy or girl. What I was eating. Was I drinking coffee. Which doctor did I choose. Would we circumcise. Would I choose natural childbirth. New life is exciting. People who didn’t even know me, talked to me about my baby. Sometimes it was… Continue reading The Disappearing Act
I started hearing it almost immediately. Even before I got discharged from the hospital. Even before I had recovered enough to return to work. Even before I brought my son home in an urn. “You’re so strong.” In the earliest months, these words held very little meaning for me. Strong? Me? I could barely… Continue reading Strength in Pain
The little things can stir so much inside me. I was driving home. A mom was standing at a crosswalk, waiting for her light. Her 8 year old daughter was standing next to her, talking away. Her baby was in a stroller, the sun directly in her eyes. The wheels were angled toward the busy… Continue reading Life is Unfair
I have some mixed feelings about the term “Rainbow Baby.” For those of you who don’t know, a Rainbow Baby is a baby born after miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. The term is pretty simple: A rainbow appears after a storm. It is a symbol of hope and better times to come. It cannot change… Continue reading Waiting for the Rainbow
How is it possible that so much time has passed? The wounds feel so fresh, so new. Lately, I’ve felt so many beautiful things coming alive within me. But today, on the 22nd, I ache. I miss you so much, my precious baby. You should be doing so many amazing things. You should be crawling… Continue reading 9 Months
I was sitting on the floor, with my back up against his crib, clutching his tiny newborn outfit to my chest. Tears fell heavily and loud sobs echoed through the empty room. This nursery was so beautiful; but without him, it’s just a room. I took a couple of days to prepare myself before… Continue reading The Room
“So did you guys have your baby?” Her voice was filled with excitement. I had been waiting for this question. We visited this little Mexican food restaurant frequently. It was right around the corner from our house. She had seen my belly. She had made conversation. I knew it was only a matter of time… Continue reading No Good Reason
On December 24th of last year, my husband and I got in my mom’s truck so she could take us home from the hospital. The drive was short, but felt incredibly long. I remember staring down at my arms. Empty. They felt heavy. Like dead weight with no purpose…. “There is, I am convinced, no… Continue reading Empty Arms
