I know it’s time to make progress on them. But it’s hard to dream now. It’s hard to have hope. It’s hard to believe that anything good is meant for me. Because every time I’ve started to feel positive about the future, another thing was taken from me.
Sometimes babies die.
But that love still lives on.
Not just for a few months.
Not just for the first year.
I sat at a large table in a conference room. I knew I was there for bad news. I knew it as I followed the nurse down the hall. Before they even began, they asked about the death of my first son. My third-born was across the hospital, hooked up to countless machines, keeping him alive. They were about to show me scans of his brain. I was about to see a gray mass of inactivity….
But before they told me he was dying….
Before sharing that there was nothing else they could do….
They asked about my firstborn.
I ordered an urn today. I never imagined I would be doing this again. Grieving. Again. Picking out an urn. Again. Signing orders for a death certificate. Again. Emptying the clothes from the changing table. Again. Sobbing these deep, uncontrollable sobs. Again. Feeling empty inside. Again Dealing with the empty arm ache. Again. Adjusting to… Continue reading Again.
Those of you who follow me (whether it’s here on Missing Link, on my Instagram account, or on my Facebook pages), have probably noticed: I’ve got a case of Writer’s Block. I have found an incredible amount of support and “healing” through these platforms. This blog is an outlet. Instagram and Facebook have given me… Continue reading Writer’s Block
I started to type out an email. It had been a long time since we talked and so much has happened. I am so different now: “What you need to know about me is, I talk about Lincoln a lot. My son died and it has shaped me. My life revolves around death; and until… Continue reading The Disclaimer
On December 22nd of last year, I was lying in a hospital bed, holding my lifeless son in my arms. My body was broken. My heart was crushed. This life that I had created, was no longer. And nobody even knew. My cellphone buzzed all day. Social media stirred. Happy birthday wishes waited for me.… Continue reading Don’t Forget Him
It’s his little blue and white striped blanket that breaks my heart. Every time I see her fold it, adjust it, and gently lay it upon her pillow, I crumble inside. Every excruciating memory comes rushing back, each time she presses her face against its soft fibers; or clenches it in her hands, with a… Continue reading The Overlooked Father (Guest Post)
Over the weekend, I traveled out of town to visit my parents. My mom did some of her Christmas shopping and wanted to show me what she had gotten. She hand-picked items for each of her seven living grandchildren: warm beanies and silly toys for the boys, and some fluffy socks for the girls. And… Continue reading A Life of Nevers
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This month, we remember and recognize all of the precious babies gone too soon. At the beginning of the month, I began taking name submissions for a project to honor as many of these beautiful babies as possible. The response was overwhelming. I filled up a large… Continue reading Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month