Over the weekend, I traveled out of town to visit my parents. My mom did some of her Christmas shopping and wanted to show me what she had gotten. She hand-picked items for each of her seven living grandchildren: warm beanies and silly toys for the boys, and some fluffy socks for the girls. And… Continue reading A Life of Nevers
The day that I held Lincoln in my arms, I slowly and painfully, got up and went into the hospital bathroom to clean up a little bit. I had been on IV fluids for roughly 32 hours and, between labor and the trauma of losing my son, I had not slept soundly in over 55 hours. I… Continue reading Just Have a Day
I know how you feel. It’s a dangerous term. It’s a hurtful term. It opens the floodgates to comparing our grief. Like we have a balance scale out to see which pain is heavier. Maybe we compare by the gestational age of our babies. Maybe we compare by the cause of death. Maybe by how… Continue reading It’s Okay
From the moment that I announced my pregnancy, everyone had an opinion. Boy or girl. What I was eating. Was I drinking coffee. Which doctor did I choose. Would we circumcise. Would I choose natural childbirth. New life is exciting. People who didn’t even know me, talked to me about my baby. Sometimes it was… Continue reading The Disappearing Act
I started hearing it almost immediately. Even before I got discharged from the hospital. Even before I had recovered enough to return to work. Even before I brought my son home in an urn. “You’re so strong.” In the earliest months, these words held very little meaning for me. Strong? Me? I could barely… Continue reading Strength in Pain
The little things can stir so much inside me. I was driving home. A mom was standing at a crosswalk, waiting for her light. Her 8 year old daughter was standing next to her, talking away. Her baby was in a stroller, the sun directly in her eyes. The wheels were angled toward the busy… Continue reading Life is Unfair
I have some mixed feelings about the term “Rainbow Baby.” For those of you who don’t know, a Rainbow Baby is a baby born after miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. The term is pretty simple: A rainbow appears after a storm. It is a symbol of hope and better times to come. It cannot change… Continue reading Waiting for the Rainbow
