On December 22nd of last year, I was lying in a hospital bed, holding my lifeless son in my arms. My body was broken. My heart was crushed. This life that I had created, was no longer. And nobody even knew. My cellphone buzzed all day. Social media stirred. Happy birthday wishes waited for me.… Continue reading Don’t Forget Him
Over the weekend, I traveled out of town to visit my parents. My mom did some of her Christmas shopping and wanted to show me what she had gotten. She hand-picked items for each of her seven living grandchildren: warm beanies and silly toys for the boys, and some fluffy socks for the girls. And… Continue reading A Life of Nevers
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This month, we remember and recognize all of the precious babies gone too soon. At the beginning of the month, I began taking name submissions for a project to honor as many of these beautiful babies as possible. The response was overwhelming. I filled up a large… Continue reading Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month
The day that I held Lincoln in my arms, I slowly and painfully, got up and went into the hospital bathroom to clean up a little bit. I had been on IV fluids for roughly 32 hours and, between labor and the trauma of losing my son, I had not slept soundly in over 55 hours. I… Continue reading Just Have a Day
From the moment that I announced my pregnancy, everyone had an opinion. Boy or girl. What I was eating. Was I drinking coffee. Which doctor did I choose. Would we circumcise. Would I choose natural childbirth. New life is exciting. People who didn’t even know me, talked to me about my baby. Sometimes it was… Continue reading The Disappearing Act
I started hearing it almost immediately. Even before I got discharged from the hospital. Even before I had recovered enough to return to work. Even before I brought my son home in an urn. “You’re so strong.” In the earliest months, these words held very little meaning for me. Strong? Me? I could barely… Continue reading Strength in Pain
The little things can stir so much inside me. I was driving home. A mom was standing at a crosswalk, waiting for her light. Her 8 year old daughter was standing next to her, talking away. Her baby was in a stroller, the sun directly in her eyes. The wheels were angled toward the busy… Continue reading Life is Unfair
I have some mixed feelings about the term “Rainbow Baby.” For those of you who don’t know, a Rainbow Baby is a baby born after miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. The term is pretty simple: A rainbow appears after a storm. It is a symbol of hope and better times to come. It cannot change… Continue reading Waiting for the Rainbow
How is it possible that so much time has passed? The wounds feel so fresh, so new. Lately, I’ve felt so many beautiful things coming alive within me. But today, on the 22nd, I ache. I miss you so much, my precious baby. You should be doing so many amazing things. You should be crawling… Continue reading 9 Months
I was sitting on the floor, with my back up against his crib, clutching his tiny newborn outfit to my chest. Tears fell heavily and loud sobs echoed through the empty room. This nursery was so beautiful; but without him, it’s just a room. I took a couple of days to prepare myself before… Continue reading The Room
Missing Link & Liam 