Sometimes babies die.
But that love still lives on.
Not just for a few months.
Not just for the first year.
I sat at a large table in a conference room. I knew I was there for bad news. I knew it as I followed the nurse down the hall. Before they even began, they asked about the death of my first son. My third-born was across the hospital, hooked up to countless machines, keeping him alive. They were about to show me scans of his brain. I was about to see a gray mass of inactivity….
But before they told me he was dying….
Before sharing that there was nothing else they could do….
They asked about my firstborn.
I remember how it felt so clearly. I was sitting in an office at a funeral home. I had just signed a piece of paper to approve my firstborn son’s cremation. A page that allowed my son’s body to be turned to ash in an instant. It was a terrible feeling. I was making decisions… Continue reading One More Time
I just lost it over a bottle of hand sanitizer. I was cleaning the bathroom and moved the bottle aside so I could scrub the sink. I bought the sanitizer back in December. Because I would be delivering a brand new baby during flu season. I was so careful to make sure he stayed healthy.… Continue reading Liam vs. RSV
My living son is two years old. It’s a little difficult to know how much he understands about death. Though he’s never met him, he’s talked to Lincoln’s picture since he was a tiny baby. Losing Liam was a bit different, but I’m not sure exactly what he’s thinking. I’m always trying to figure out… Continue reading Dear Big Brother
I ordered an urn today. I never imagined I would be doing this again. Grieving. Again. Picking out an urn. Again. Signing orders for a death certificate. Again. Emptying the clothes from the changing table. Again. Sobbing these deep, uncontrollable sobs. Again. Feeling empty inside. Again Dealing with the empty arm ache. Again. Adjusting to… Continue reading Again.
My parents have 7 living grandchildren. I was so excited for Lincoln to be number 8. The cousins have a strong bond. The family gets together and they are drawn to each other like magnets. They take care of each other and play together for hours. I couldn’t wait to add my gingery, freckly little… Continue reading Part of the Family
One Year…. It doesn’t seem possible. Life has kept moving at its usual, steady pace; even though I dragged my feet through part of the year. It was hard to go back to real life, accepting that this is our truth. We have no choice but to move on without you. We are moving on;… Continue reading One Year- Messages from Mom and Dad
I walked into the grocery store to do some shopping. In the entrance was a huge Christmas tree, covered in tags. There were so many of them, that you wouldn’t even be able to reach the ones up on top. Each tag represented a foster child, in need of a Christmas gift. I circled the… Continue reading My Birthday Wish
I started to type out an email. It had been a long time since we talked and so much has happened. I am so different now: “What you need to know about me is, I talk about Lincoln a lot. My son died and it has shaped me. My life revolves around death; and until… Continue reading The Disclaimer