It’s 2:30am and I’m wide awake. Wishing you were here, squirming and making your cute grunting sounds while I mix up your bottle. There’s so much empty space in my room now. Your bassinet is gone. And the crib you were supposed to grow into. Some nights I’m too exhausted not to sleep. But other… Continue reading Empty
My living son is two years old. It’s a little difficult to know how much he understands about death. Though he’s never met him, he’s talked to Lincoln’s picture since he was a tiny baby. Losing Liam was a bit different, but I’m not sure exactly what he’s thinking. I’m always trying to figure out… Continue reading Dear Big Brother
I ordered an urn today. I never imagined I would be doing this again. Grieving. Again. Picking out an urn. Again. Signing orders for a death certificate. Again. Emptying the clothes from the changing table. Again. Sobbing these deep, uncontrollable sobs. Again. Feeling empty inside. Again Dealing with the empty arm ache. Again. Adjusting to… Continue reading Again.
October is awareness month for so many organizations. Listening to the radio yesterday, I heard ads for donating to breast cancer awareness and mental health awareness. There are many others. But the one that is often forgotten on the widespread level: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. There is something taboo about baby loss. It makes… Continue reading PAIL Awareness 2017
I know the blog has been pretty quiet lately. Getting through this pregnancy with Lincoln’s little brother, has been an exhausting task. There have been so many things I have wanted to say about Pregnancy After Loss, but I have struggled to find the words. I have also kept pretty quiet about grief, in general.… Continue reading Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness 2017
Since Lincoln’s first birthday, we have been planning a photo shoot with my best friend/personal photographer. Link’s birthday falls in winter, and we had a lot of unlucky, rainy weekends. Finally, after months of failed attempts, we are able to present our family photos! The moment that we set Lincoln’s urn out for a picture,… Continue reading Family Photos
Dear Lincoln, This week we announced that you are going to be a big brother. It was a little bit early to share, but your daddy and I really want to remain hopeful. This is pretty scary for us. Everything was so much simpler when you were growing in my belly. But I’m trying to… Continue reading To my Firstborn
This is new. This is surreal. This is incredibly scary. Pregnancy After Loss. Since Lincoln died, it no longer feels like a pregnancy guarantees that a baby will be in my arms 9 months from now. On March 22nd, a little pink strip told me what I already knew deep down in my gut. First… Continue reading Big Brother Lincoln
In Lincoln’s third trimester, I really believed that I would never want to be pregnant again. Pregnancy is truly uncomfortable, and I didn’t care for it. When I ended up on bed rest, that feeling was amplified. I was put on a medication to stop early contractions, and they made me absolutely miserable. I got… Continue reading TTC After Loss
You know that gut feeling? You get it when you’re forgetting something. You get it when it seems like something must be wrong, or when something bad is going to happen. Is the coffee pot still on? Did you forget to turn off the oven? Did you drive to work without your wallet? Maybe you… Continue reading The Feeling
