I ordered an urn today. I never imagined I would be doing this again. Grieving. Again. Picking out an urn. Again. Signing orders for a death certificate. Again. Emptying the clothes from the changing table. Again. Sobbing these deep, uncontrollable sobs. Again. Feeling empty inside. Again Dealing with the empty arm ache. Again. Adjusting to… Continue reading Again.
Since Lincoln’s first birthday, we have been planning a photo shoot with my best friend/personal photographer. Link’s birthday falls in winter, and we had a lot of unlucky, rainy weekends. Finally, after months of failed attempts, we are able to present our family photos! The moment that we set Lincoln’s urn out for a picture,… Continue reading Family Photos
I first heard of the term “Rainbow Baby” in an online loss mom group. I was only a few months out from Lincoln’s death, and I liked the term at first. It was a glimmer of hope: a look at what could be. A rainbow baby is born after loss. It is the bright, beautiful… Continue reading Why We Don’t Use the Term “Rainbow Baby”
Dear Lincoln, This week we announced that you are going to be a big brother. It was a little bit early to share, but your daddy and I really want to remain hopeful. This is pretty scary for us. Everything was so much simpler when you were growing in my belly. But I’m trying to… Continue reading To my Firstborn
This is new. This is surreal. This is incredibly scary. Pregnancy After Loss. Since Lincoln died, it no longer feels like a pregnancy guarantees that a baby will be in my arms 9 months from now. On March 22nd, a little pink strip told me what I already knew deep down in my gut. First… Continue reading Big Brother Lincoln
2016 seems to have been difficult for a lot of people. It has sure been a hard one for me. I ended 2015 in the worst way possible: I lost my son. I also ended 2015 in the very best way possible: I got to meet my son, and hold him in my arms. In… Continue reading The New Year
On December 22nd of last year, I was lying in a hospital bed, holding my lifeless son in my arms. My body was broken. My heart was crushed. This life that I had created, was no longer. And nobody even knew. My cellphone buzzed all day. Social media stirred. Happy birthday wishes waited for me.… Continue reading Don’t Forget Him
*introduction: As you struggle through your own grief journey, I understand that the subject of God can be a touchy one. That being said, this subject has been a very large, and painful part of my journey. Therefore, it is important for me to share it honestly. If you don’t relate to this part of… Continue reading God’s Perfect Timing
I started hearing it almost immediately. Even before I got discharged from the hospital. Even before I had recovered enough to return to work. Even before I brought my son home in an urn. “You’re so strong.” In the earliest months, these words held very little meaning for me. Strong? Me? I could barely… Continue reading Strength in Pain
It’s true what they say about grief: once you’ve lost someone, your life will always be separated into two categories. It will have a Before and it will have an After. It’s a strange separation. It’s hard to remember things clearly from before I lost Lincoln. Things feel a little fuzzy, including my pregnancy. It… Continue reading Before and After
Missing Link & Liam 