For a while there, I was someone who fellow loss moms could look to and say, “Okay. She made it. And so can I.”
For just a little while, I was able to be a comfort and a symbol of hope for the good that can come after a devastating loss. I made it through pregnancy after loss. My sons made it through pregnancy after loss….
But then one of those sons died.
I am no longer a success story, but a horror story. I’m no longer living the dream but rather, living every loss mom’s nightmare.
Right now, in most cases, I don’t feel fit to talk to other loss moms about pregnancy after loss. I feel like I’ll scare them. After all, I would be scared if I were in their shoes: if I were meeting a mom who has had her world turned upside down once again.
Pregnancy after Loss is absolutely terrifying. Once your child dies, you know too much. And there is no going back. You are now part of a community full of women who have lost their babies in various ways. And you memorize every last one. There is nothing comfortable about pregnancy after loss.
But everyone will try to comfort you.
They will tell you that everything will be okay.
They will tell you that this baby is not destined to the same fate as the one you’ve lost.
They will tell you that you have been through so much. You deserve something good.
In so many cases, they are correct.
A lot of times, everything will be okay.
But sometimes, everything is not.
Sometimes, your other baby dies.
And I’m so sorry that some of us have to face that harsh reality.
I’m sorry that I can no longer be a beacon of hope for the pregnant loss mom.
I’m sorry I can no longer tell you that everything will be okay.
My other baby died. And everything is not okay.
But what I can say, with 100% certainty, is that I would do it all again.
My firstborn son. My third born son.
I would go through their pregnancies all over again.
I would birth them and hold them close to my heart again.
Even knowing their fate, I would still rather have them than to never have met them at all.
So, although I can’t promise you that everything will work out, I can tell you to cherish every moment.
I can tell you to take it one day, one step, one heartbeat at a time.
Each day, I did make it through pregnancy after loss, by looking down at my growing belly and reminding myself:
“Right now, I am still pregnant. Right now, my baby’s heart is beating. Right now, we are okay.”
I bonded with my babies. I cherished them. In one case, it worked out. In another, it didn’t. But I have no regrets about loving either one of them. As you decide to face the fear and go through pregnancy again, you may never feel ready. You may never feel comfortable. But I hope you’ll feel that it’s worth it. And I hope, with everything in me, that everything will be okay.