baby loss · Grief · Infant Loss · life after loss · Loss · rsv

Service

When I went to the funeral home after Lincoln died, the employee there told me that they offered a discount on their chapel for memorial services for babies. I instantly said no. I was so overwhelmed by all of the things I needed to do. I was in so much shock that I was even in this situation. I said no. I never had a service for Lincoln and I regretted it. He deserved a service. He deserved to be celebrated. And people deserved the chance to gather in grief with us. But I said no.

When the time came to plan a service for Liam, I knew it was absolutely necessary. My sweet boy, who spent 6 weeks in my arms and was taken so suddenly, needed a celebration. I was still completely overwhelmed by the whole idea. I enlisted help for the planning and I’m so very grateful that I had it. The few parts that were up to me, I took my time with, while people around me organized. It was so hard for me to accept that this was happening.

As the day approached, I began to struggle with anxiety. This day felt so wrong. It was something I never should’ve had to do. He should still be here. This day made me face the reality that he no longer would be. And it hurt so badly. I walked into that church sanctuary with my hands and breath shaking intensely. But then people started to arrive. Each guest who came to honor Liam, sought me out and wrapped their arms around me. Each guest shed tears that fell onto my shoulders as they let mine fall onto theirs. And as the service began, I was carried through it by all of their love. This was not an easy thing to face, but I will be forever grateful for those who came to grieve with me. I will never forget the warm hugs and tender moments, or the love my little broken family was surrounded with. Thank you to everyone who has helped (and continues to help me) honor both of my baby boys.

Video by my big brother, Brian.

*I do not own rights to music*

Song: Dancing in the Sky by Dani and Lizzy

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