Grief · life after loss · pal

To my Firstborn 

Dear Lincoln, 

This week we announced that you are going to be a big brother. It was a little bit early to share, but your daddy and I really want to remain hopeful. This is pretty scary for us. Everything was so much simpler when you were growing in my belly. But I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying to remember all of those wonderful signs that you and God have sent to me over the last month. I think you both knew that it was time. Just like your daddy and I knew. I am starting to get excited, and I think that would make you happy. Yesterday I browsed through tiny baby clothes. I thought of all of the things you never got to wear. But I also felt so much hope for your little brother or sister. 

I want to cherish every moment that I have with this tiny life. When I was pregnant with you, I kept my distance at first. I tried to be logical and unattached. It wasn’t until your anatomy ultrasound that I understood how real and amazing you were. Baby, I am so sorry that I didn’t read you stories or talk to you as much as I should have. I’m so sorry that I complained about the aches and pains, instead of lighting up at your every movement. You knew that I loved you, but I want to do this differently, no matter the outcome. You have taught me how to be a good mommy, both to you in heaven, and to your siblings who I hope to get to mother here on earth. 

My sweet angel, I want you to know that, even though another baby will bring us joy, we will never forget you. We will continue to carry you with us, in everything that we do. We will continue to fight to make you proud. Because of you, we will be better parents to your younger sibling. Because of you, we are stronger, better people. No matter how many children may join our family, you will always be our firstborn child. You will always be the Big Brother. You will forever play an important role in our family. We will continue to celebrate your birthday, to honor you on holidays, include you in family photos and events, and talk to your baby brother or sister about you. Your siblings will know you. They will know that you are loved, and they will understand the beautiful impact you continue to have on others. I miss you so much, Lincoln. It is difficult to imagine sharing this love with another. It is difficult to imagine sharing my body, where you once lived, with another. I know that you will help us get through these challenges. I know that you want us to experience all of the joy and hope that we can. Your daddy and I love you so deeply, and we always will. 

Love, Mommy

***Photo by Rachel Leigh***

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