Grief · Hope · life after loss · pal · stillbirth

Big Brother Lincoln 

This is new. 

This is surreal. 

This is incredibly scary. 

Pregnancy After Loss. Since Lincoln died, it no longer feels like a pregnancy guarantees that a baby will be in my arms 9 months from now. On March 22nd, a little pink strip told me what I already knew deep down in my gut. First I was excited, and then switched to completely terrified. A sudden haze of self-protection, a “prepare for the worst” mentality. We don’t know if everything is going to work out. But we desperately want to believe it is.

We are hopeful. 

We are grateful. 

We are PREGNANT. 

Whatever may come, right now, we choose to celebrate: We are pregnant! With this celebration, comes so many complex emotions. I am excited for what may come, but nervous for what I know is possible. I am afraid that people will feel that Lincoln is replaced, or that this will make us “normal” again. I feel sadness: not because of Lincoln, but because I have loss mom friends who will now see another pregnancy announcement that is not their own. I feel so incredibly afraid of the countless possibilities for loss. 

Fear: it has ruled so much of my life since the moment of Lincoln’s death. This fear is real, and it is logical. But it is also painful: causing anxiety like I have never known. We know, more than most, that there is no “safe zone”. No right time to share the news. No time when this life is guaranteed to us. But we will not live in the spirit of fear. We are making a choice to push passed it and celebrate each and every moment. Because right now, at this very moment, we have a baby on the way. I have a tiny life growing inside of me. Lincoln is officially a big brother. 

***Photos by Rachel Leigh***

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