I remember how it felt so clearly. I was sitting in an office at a funeral home. I had just signed a piece of paper to approve my firstborn son’s cremation. A page that allowed my son’s body to be turned to ash in an instant. It was a terrible feeling. I was making decisions… Continue reading One More Time
Over the weekend, Jonah and I went into his room to search for a toy he’s been missing since December. We were digging everywhere. I reached my hand up into our hanging diaper organizer and it came back out holding Liam’s hospital hat. He was wearing this hat when I first got to hold him… Continue reading The Hat
I just lost it over a bottle of hand sanitizer. I was cleaning the bathroom and moved the bottle aside so I could scrub the sink. I bought the sanitizer back in December. Because I would be delivering a brand new baby during flu season. I was so careful to make sure he stayed healthy.… Continue reading Liam vs. RSV
When I went to the funeral home after Lincoln died, the employee there told me that they offered a discount on their chapel for memorial services for babies. I instantly said no. I was so overwhelmed by all of the things I needed to do. I was in so much shock that I was even… Continue reading Service
It’s 2:30am and I’m wide awake. Wishing you were here, squirming and making your cute grunting sounds while I mix up your bottle. There’s so much empty space in my room now. Your bassinet is gone. And the crib you were supposed to grow into. Some nights I’m too exhausted not to sleep. But other… Continue reading Empty
My living son is two years old. It’s a little difficult to know how much he understands about death. Though he’s never met him, he’s talked to Lincoln’s picture since he was a tiny baby. Losing Liam was a bit different, but I’m not sure exactly what he’s thinking. I’m always trying to figure out… Continue reading Dear Big Brother
I ordered an urn today. I never imagined I would be doing this again. Grieving. Again. Picking out an urn. Again. Signing orders for a death certificate. Again. Emptying the clothes from the changing table. Again. Sobbing these deep, uncontrollable sobs. Again. Feeling empty inside. Again Dealing with the empty arm ache. Again. Adjusting to… Continue reading Again.