2021 was a rollercoaster and a monumental year for me. It was a year of huge life change and new experiences.I’ve gained new friendships and have nurtured existing ones.I’ve made wonderful, lasting memories.I’ve taken trips and I’ve eaten some of the most incredible food I’ve ever had.I’ve learned that fear can protect you.But it can… Continue reading 2021
I know it’s time to make progress on them. But it’s hard to dream now. It’s hard to have hope. It’s hard to believe that anything good is meant for me. Because every time I’ve started to feel positive about the future, another thing was taken from me.
I don’t talk about this often.
And to be very honest, I haven’t spent much time hurting over it either.
Sometimes I’ve wondered if something is wrong with me.
How can it be that two of my siblings died, and I rarely shed a tear for them?
Sometimes babies die.
But that love still lives on.
Not just for a few months.
Not just for the first year.
I sat at a large table in a conference room. I knew I was there for bad news. I knew it as I followed the nurse down the hall. Before they even began, they asked about the death of my first son. My third-born was across the hospital, hooked up to countless machines, keeping him alive. They were about to show me scans of his brain. I was about to see a gray mass of inactivity….
But before they told me he was dying….
Before sharing that there was nothing else they could do….
They asked about my firstborn.
For a while there, I was someone who fellow loss moms could look to and say, “Okay. She made it. And so can I.”For just a little while, I was able to be a comfort and a symbol of hope for the good that can come after a devastating loss. I made it through pregnancy… Continue reading To the Pregnant Loss Mom
I know this is probably going to sound absolutely nuts, but I really miss the days when I only had one dead baby. It sounds morbid, but please know I don’t say it lightly. Of course I would rather have all three of my boys here. But after some time had passed from Lincoln’s death,… Continue reading Two
Dear Mommy Friend, Month after month, I see your milestone updates. I see your photos and development charts: lists of all of the exciting new things that your baby is doing. I’m watching your baby grow, and wishing mine was still here to do the same things. You’ve probably noticed that some months, I put… Continue reading Your Baby Got to Stay
I remember how it felt so clearly. I was sitting in an office at a funeral home. I had just signed a piece of paper to approve my firstborn son’s cremation. A page that allowed my son’s body to be turned to ash in an instant. It was a terrible feeling. I was making decisions… Continue reading One More Time
Over the weekend, Jonah and I went into his room to search for a toy he’s been missing since December. We were digging everywhere. I reached my hand up into our hanging diaper organizer and it came back out holding Liam’s hospital hat. He was wearing this hat when I first got to hold him… Continue reading The Hat